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Center
Mental health counseling
for individuals with anger
management difficulties,
emotional difficulties,
anxiety disorders,
depression, family
problems, grief, full range
of alcohol and drug abuse
services, etc.
920-451-5548
- raised voice
- yelling
- cursing
- headaches
- stomach aches
- tightness in the throat
- increased heart rate
- increased blood
pressure - clenched fists
- threatening others
- pushing
- shoving
- hitting
- feeling violated
- hostility
- resentment
- rage
Variety of therapies
including individual, group
or family counseling,
alcohol and other drug
abuse, ADHD, anger
management, and more.
920-458-5557
Family Services
Family therapy, divorce
support, anger
management, school
problems,
and much more.
1-800-291-4513
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles
Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by
physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels
of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a
coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or
brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger
causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can
learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well
you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself
acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this
emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are
more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does.
There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy.
Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically
ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning
simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't
take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being
corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is
evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a
very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to
express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or
channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from
families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others.
Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help
you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping
you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are
books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon
them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good
idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
- Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up
from your "gut." - Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
- Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
- Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
- Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful
terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic.
Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's
terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the
end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never
works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is
justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise
be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make
you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on
yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of
daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone
wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them,
and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring,
angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other
words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're
unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not
anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is
misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every
problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to
bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the
problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an
answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious
attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the
problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The
first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first
thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen
carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space,
and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your
activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words:
the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part,
and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control.
Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced
perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and
picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-
cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the
phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a
picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be
relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people
tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that
they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets
and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more
detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being
unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in
using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more
constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's
often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities
can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that
form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are
particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from
work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels
better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or
maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself
look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not
the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a
project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such
as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of
your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health
professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on,
and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put
you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling,
psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks,
depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
Source: http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html#anger
