Skills to Foster
Closeness with
Others
  1. BE YOURSELF. Don’t try
    to relate to others by
    acting like you think they
    would want/expect you
    to. Being real from the
    start gives each person
    a chance to see if they
    can be comfortable with
    each other's beliefs,
    interests, looks, and
    lifestyle.
  2. COMMUNICATE BETTER.
    This is an essential skill
    in a good relationship of
    any type.                       
    Use "I" statements
    when talking to others
    about your thoughts or
    feelings. This promotes
    ownership of what you
    are saying, which
    establishes a strong,
    direct position.            
    Self disclose at a slow,
    but steady rate. This is
    the art of sharing your
    private thoughts and
    feelings with people you
    trust. Revealing too
    much too soon can
    cause the speaker to
    feel overly vulnerable
    and the listener to feel
    uncomfortable and
    obligated to reciprocate.
    Take your time. You can
    increase your rate of
    sharing as you get to
    know the person better.
    Ask for what you
    need/want. Others can
    not read your mind, so
    limit your expectation that
    the other person should
    be able to guess what
    you prefer out of their
    affection for you. The
    best chance of receiving
    what you want is to
    speak up and ask for it!
    Check out your
    assumptions. You are
    no mind reader either.
    Misunderstandings can
    arise from acting on
    what you guess your
    friend/partner wants.
    Give both of you
    permission to peacefully
    refuse each other's
    requests at times.
  3. RESOLVE CONFLICTS
    Take the relationship
    from MY WAY/YOUR WAY
    to OUR WAY through
    negotiation and
    compromise. Start the
    problem solving by
    listening to and
    respecting each other's
    point of view. Conflicts
    are more easily
    addressed when both
    people participate in the
    solution, instead of one
    person dominating the
    decision making
    process. Aim for a
    balance of power.
  4. RECIPROCATE Give
    equal importance to the
    feelings, interests, and
    needs of each person in
    the relationship. Develop
    the skill of both giving
    and receiving emotional
    support.
  5. ENJOY EACH OTHER! Let
    good humor and fun
    together be a part of your
    regular schedule.
Source: Univ. of Texas at Dallas
www.utdallas.edu/student/slife/counseling/relati
on.html
                                                 Fighting Fairly
                       A major stumbling block in any relationship is settling disagreements, which often reduce
                     to emotional shouting matches rather than caring problem-solving. Basic ground rules for
                     effectively facing conflict in a relationship include:
  1. Maintain a spirit of good will - remember: you care about this person.
  2. Avoid attacking one another - discuss behavior, not personalities.
  3. Share your feelings - explore and discuss them.
  4. Focus on the present - past dissapointments cannot be changed. Concentrate on here and now.
  5. Specific Techniques
  6. Choose a time to have the discussion - make it an appointment. Avoid those times                                         
    when either of you are fatigued, ill, or under pressure.
  7. Be specific: take time to reflect on what you are upset about and focus on specific                                    
    actions, feelings, and attitudes.
  8. Listen carefully. Allow each individual uninterrupted time to explain his/her viewpoint.
  9. Work on one issue at a time. Decide what is the uppermost concern and discuss it.
  10. Ask for reasonable change. Determine what you really want from the person, then ask                               
    yourself if it is realistic and authentic. Give the person a chance to correct the situation.
  11. Try to accept: be open to the other person's feelings and accept them without being judgemental.
  12. Be willing to compromise: avoid trying to win. Try to find a solution that is satisfying for you both.
  13. Realize the need to accep an incomplete resolution of a conflict. At times, completely resolving an issue
    is impossible.
  14. If you have extreme difficulty expressing your feelings, try writing them down in a note or letter.
  15. After the discussion is over, EXPRESS YOUR APPRECIATION for the other's listening to and discussing
    the issue with you. Reaffirm your respect and affection for each other. Finish on a positive note.

                                                   Source: http://www.uwec.edu/Counsel/pubs/bhr.htm
  • Can you state particular characteristics of your partner that you
    like or admire?
  • Is your partner glad that you have other friends (even friends
    whom you do not share in common)?
  • Is your partner pleased at your accomplishments and
    ambitions?
  • Does your partner ask for and give consideration to your
    opinions?
  • Does your partner both talk and listen?
  • Is your partner able to verbalize his or her feelings?
  • Does your partner have a good relationship with his or her
    family?
  • Does your partner have at least a few good, close friends?
  • Does your partner have interests besides you?
  • Do you consider your partner as friend as well as a potential
    lover?
  • Does your partner respect your right to make decisions
    affecting your own life?
  • Does this person accept responsibility for his or her own
    actions rather than blaming failures on others?
  • When angry, does your partner break or throw things?
  • Does your partner lose his or her temper easily?
  • Does your partner ask you repeatedly about past dating
    partners?
  • Does your partner expect to be told where you are at all times?
  • Does your partner think that there are times when violence is
    okay in a relationship?
  • Is your partner jealous of your friends or relatives?
  • Does your partner think that you are “cheating” if you talk to or
    dance with someone else?
  • Does your partner get angry if you are not always attentive to
    him or her?
  • Does your partner “take over” when you are having trouble with
    something, even if you want to handle it yourself?
  • Does your partner silently sulk when angry?
  • Does your partner drink or use drugs almost every day, or go on
    periodic binges?
  • Does your partner ridicule you or “put you down”?
  • Do you like yourself less than usual when you’ve been with your
    partner?

Ideally, the vast majority of the answers to questions 1 through 12 should
be "yes," and the vast majority of the answers to questions 13 through 25
should be "no." If not, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.

Source: Tulane University, http://ccvillage.buffalo.edu/vpc.html
             How to live with your Roommate
The influence of roommates on one another is great. Your
roommate will likely challenge your confidence, encourage
you to become more tolerant and facilitate changes in your
attitudes. Roommates even affect each other's study habits.
If you enter a room and your roommate is studying, chances
are 3 in 4 that you will also sit down and study. If he/she is not studying,
chances are only 1 in 3 that you will sit and study. Roommate conflict and
incompatibility are correlated positively with academic difficulty and low
achievement. Likewise roommate compatibility is associated with high
achievement. Furthermore, high achievers bring up low achievers but the
reverse is generally not true.

How can you enhance the effects of how you and your roommate
influence each other?
  • Anticipate problem areas and discuss the ground rules. At the very
    beginning of your relationship - before you become roommates, if
    possible - inventory your habits and preferences: smoking or non-
    smoking, tidy or casual, stay up late or get up early, alternative
    music or classical jazz, study alone or with others, etc.
  • Compromise. Work out strategies of compromise for your
    differences.
  • Express your satisfaction or dissatisfaction to your roommate as
    close to the pleasing or offending event as possible . When you are
    irritated or pleased with your roommate, express it directly and
    immediately. Don't store up resentments and explode when she/he
    commits a minor offense. Don't discuss your roommate problems
    with others when you haven't discussed them with your roommate.
  • Listen to his or her side. Recognize that there are at least two
    sides to every story. Hear your roommate out. Try to see things
    from his/her perspective rather than jumping to conclusions.
  • Seek out the help of a neutral third party if you hit an impasse.
    Most problems can be resolved or alleviated. If you can not work
    out the situation with your roommate - and you've actually tried
    doing so instead of assuming that it can not be done - ask
    assistance from someone who will be objective, such as a mutual
    friend, who is not directly affected by the situation, or a resident
    advisor. This person can meet with you and your roommate to help
    you resolve the problem.

Living with a roommate can be an excellent experience in learning more
about yourself and about how to communicate and relate effectively to
others. Knowing how to assert yourself and how to empathize with others
are valuable skills in all relationships - family, social, school and work.

                                        Source: St. Joseph's University
                                  http://ccvillage.buffalo.edu/vpc.html
Dating Quiz:
Questions to ask yourself about a new partner